Everton FC in 2014/15: What (probably) won't happen this season
The ECHO looks into the crystal ball to predict the season ahead
Everton manager Roberto Martinez
August
Everton start the season with a entertaining 3-3 draw at Leicester City. David Nugent opens the scoring but refuses to celebrate, no doubt still hoping in vain that a move to Everton will materialise at some point in his promising career.
The Blues then roar into a 3-1 lead with Ross Barkley scoring a 55-yard thunderbolt, to add to a Leighton Baines a free-kick before Tony Hibbert gets a scrappy third.
Leicester strike back in the second half with two goals in the last 10 minutes but nobody is watching because Roberto Martinez has a new pair of shoes. Brown ones.
After the game the Premier League dubious goals panel take Hibbert's goal from him - awarding it instead as an own goal to Foxes defender Richie de Laet, for touching the ball precisely zero times during the goal.
The Blues draw their next game with Arsenal, who after one win, a draw and 738 passes in their own half, have every pundit in the country tipping them for the Premier League title. Everton then beat Jose Mourinho's Chelsea 1-0 at Goodison Park.
Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho debates the decision to allow Everton to kick-off, despite losing the coin toss.
Jose says it was unfair because Everton have spent £28m on a striker and the stadium noise was too loud.
Jim White spends transfer deadline day running manically around Stanley Park and Spurs make a last-minute bid for (insert Everton player's name here), which makes everybody laugh.
The transfer window comes to a close with Harry Redknapp frantically trying to secure Tony Adams on a one-year £200,000 a week contract. "He's a triffic player," says Harry. Jamie Redknapp agrees.
September
The Blues enjoy a good month, beating West Brom and Crystal Palace comfortably. After walking out of the Eagles before the start of the season, Tony Pulis makes a surprise return to the Selhurst Park hotseat. His baseball cap, however, is no match for Roberto's shoes.
The Merseyside derby ends 5-5 as both teams continue with their philosophy of trying to outscore each other.
Arsenal continue to win every game and the bookies stop taking bets on them to win the title. At the forefront of their title charge is Alexis Sanchez. With a season total of 0 goals, 0 assists and 386 step-overs, he continues to be Paul Merson and Charlie Nicholas' player of the season.
October
Everton return to Old Trafford in positive mood but end up slipping to defeat after Ander Herrera's strike is deflected 28 times into Tim Howard's net. Marouane Felliani listens to the match in his car after being dropped from the team, bench and stand by Louis van Gaal.
Marouane Fellaini attempts to creep into Old Trafford after being dropped by Louis van Gaal.
Afterwards van Gaal conducts a modest post match interview, insisting it was he who came up with the 4-4-2 formation. He also takes the credit for the deflections for the winning goal.
Roberto's Blues bounce back with a win over Aston Villa before narrowly beating Burnley despite the absence of Ross Barkley, who was not let in by Turf Moor doorman Sean Dyche after he forgot his ID.
November
The Blues kick-off November with a routine victory over Martinez's former club Swansea City before travelling to the Stadium of Light. Unfortunately no football reporters can cover the game because the press box is packed with journalists from Vogue, GQ and Esquire trying to get a glimpse of two of the Premier League's best dressed gaffers.
The Blues face Tottenham at the end of the month and earn a 1-1 draw at White Hart Lane - despite Daniel Levy trying to sign John Stones on-loan at half-time.
Arsenal, meanwhile, continue to win every game they play. The Premier League get so carried away that they scratch the "A" on to the trophy.
December
All the Premier League managers band together to hold a mass press conference in which they voice their disapproval of the notoriously "hectic winter fixture list ," only for no-one to turn up as they are far too busy taking part in the "hectic winter fixture list" to commit to complaining about the "hectic winter fixture list."
They then proceed to grumble about the "hectic winter fixture list" in every post-match press conference until the end of time.
Hibbert thinks he has an early Christmas present when he scores against Southampton, only for the game to be called off halfway through because of a snowstorm. The result is scrapped.
Tony Hibbert powers a header towards goal against Manchester United
Pic James MaloneyTony Hibbert powers home a header - the Goodison Park have already left their seats to celebrate...
The Blues face Stoke City on Boxing Day, but Mark Hughes fails to turn up after eating too much the day before and struggling to get out of bed. His team, lacking direction, revert to type, spend the majority of the game lumping balls up to Bojan. Everton win 1-0.
January
Everton travel to Hull on New Year’s Day and win comfortably 3-1, despite Nikica Jelavic’s one inch tap-in in the second half.
The fans travel back to Merseyside and one day after waking up with the hangover from hell, Evertonians have to put up with the hangover from Hull, which is just like the second Hangover film, exactly the same as the first but in a less glamorous setting.
Draws with Manchester City and West Brom follow before a victory over Crystal Palace rounds off the month.
Elsewhere in January, Arsenal lose their first game of the season, before losing another, and then two more. They ship 27 goals in the process and lose 9-0 to Manchester City.
Arsene Wenger cries in his post-match interview, but insists the Gunners can still challenge for the title.
Sky Sports attempt to clone Jim White so he can be at every ground at once on transfer deadline day, spending millions of pounds in the process. They finally succeed, only for him to sign a multi-million pound deal with BT Sport soon after. They also snap up the yellow ticker and exclusive rights to deadline day for the next 31 years.
It's money well spent as Harry Redknapp signs Jermaine Jenas and Nicky Barmby on four-year contracts. Robbie Keane meanwhile, gets his dream move to boyhood club Guadalajara in the Mexican Superliga.
February
The Merseyside derby ends 6-6, with both teams continuing their tactics of trying to outscore the other.
Meanwhile Everton draw Luton in the fifth round of the FA Cup. Bluenose girlfriends across Merseyside pack their bags and their passports ready for the airport after being told that they are going to Luton on Valentine’s Day.
Everton progress with a scrappy 1-0 win, leaving Evertonians everywhere happy, under whelmed and single.
Tottenham sack Mauricio Pochettino, after they crash out of the FA Cup. Daniel Levy says the Argentine had “more than enough time” to turn the club around, and appoints Les Ferdinand on a temporary basis, handing him a six-year contract.
Mauricio PochettinoMauricio Pochettino begs Daniel Levy for more time - to no avail.
March
The Blues progress to the semi-finals of the FA Cup with a victory of Arsenal. Wenger goes back to playing a whole bunch of unknown youth players and declares himself happy with last year's trophy win for the next nine years.
Meanwhile in Manchester, Louis van Gaal says his decision to commission a statue of himself outside the Arndale Centre isn't egotistical, insisting it's just reward for someone who helped invent goalposts. The statue is defaced by an angry Scotsman in the night, who places a black curly wig on its head.
The Milk/Coca-Cola/Worthington/Carling/Capital One Cup final is won by Newcastle. Alan Pardew is the promptly sacked for failing to meet the club's targets of zero trophies and constant misery.
April
The Blues face Southampton at the start of April and the Saints can field just four players - something they have been doing since the end of January when what few star names they had left were sold. The match goes ahead anyway and Everton are 5-0 up when Tony Hibbert scores a brilliant solo strike - only for the linesman to fail to spot that the ball crossed the line.
The riot police quickly put away their shields and body armour and head back to the station...
The Blues crash out of the Europa League when, drawn to play Serbian club Elfsborg, Ryanair cancels all flights to Sweden 10 minutes before the Blues are set to depart. Leaving Martinez's side stranded in the airport and forfeiting the match.
May
The Blues kick off the month with games against Villa, Sunderland and West Ham - with all three taking the coveted "first match on" slot on Match of the Day.
Wigan Athletic reach the FA Cup final with wins over Liverpool, Manchester United, Manchester City and Chelsea. Brentford win the cup with a 1-0 victory in the final.
Everton manager Roberto Martinez wins the Best Dressed Manager of the Year Award.Everton manager Roberto Martinez wins the Best Dressed Manager of the Year Award.
Roberto Martinez wins the Premier League's best dressed manager award AGAIN, which somewhat overshadows the fact he leads Everton into Europe for a second successive season.
An expensively assembled Spurs side are beaten 1-0 at Goodison on the last day of the season. By the following day, the North London club - who missed out on Europe - are being linked with every single member of the Blues' squad.
Even match-winner Tony Hibbert.
Source: Echo
